Journey to Iconic Podcast

The Ultimate Conflict: Nobody Wants to Change

• Kirsten Barfoot • Season 1 • Episode 9

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Feeling unseen and misunderstood while on a path to personal growth is more common than you might think. Join me as we explore the concept that true transformation doesn't come from drastic changes, but from embracing and accepting who we are. 

We'll confront societal pressures shift our perspective towards a richer understanding of ourselves. I shed light on how embracing every part of ourselves, even those parts we might perceive as negative, opens the door to meaningful transformation.

Imagine blending and shading in art—this is how we can perceive self-transformation. By inviting a softer, more compassionate approach to self-awareness and acceptance, we delve into how these "grey" areas can lead to smoother, more harmonious transitions in our relationships. 

Rather than chasing drastic changes, we'll discuss how inviting guidance and allowing natural growth can lead to significant shifts in our lives. This approach empowers us to embrace all facets of ourselves, ultimately liberating us from the internal pressures of change.

We'll explore how challenges can uncover hidden gifts and lead to personal evolution. I'll share how understanding and embracing the dual nature of traits like control can lead to profound personal growth. 

By shifting from rigidity to a softer boundary-setting approach, we can cultivate trust and authority within ourselves. 

Join me as we embrace all aspects of ourselves to unlock authentic transformation and personal peace.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Journey to Iconic podcast, where we unlock your highest potentials through transformation and intuition. I'm your host, kirsten Barfoot, ceo of Journey to Iconic. Each week, we dive into the realms of personal growth, intuition and authentic leadership, guiding you to become the best version of yourself. Whether you're looking to enhance your personal brand, align with your true direction or tap into your inner wisdom, you're in the right place. Let's embark on this journey together and start transforming your life today. Hello, hello and welcome to this episode titled titled Nobody Wants to Change.

Speaker 1:

So this particular subject or content has been with me for a couple of weeks. It's been permeating, it's been wanting to be said, and this morning, you know it's the new and we're faced with those New Year's resolutions and that pressure, the pressure that is often felt with this need to change. And yet what we are faced with is this not really willing or it's hard to do that whole change. What I really want to do in this particular episode is shift the perspective a little bit and offer the perspective of it's not about change necessarily. It is about honoring a deeper, more rich, more experiential version of yourself. So it's not about changing as much as discovering. And so here at Journey to Iconic. We embody the pillars of intuition, authenticity and personal growth. Now, if you've been around me for long enough, you'll probably have heard this, these stories before, but there are two poignant stories around this change, around this transformation People saying things like nobody wants to do that.

Speaker 1:

Saying things like nobody wants to do that. Don't call yourself a transformational coach, don't, don't go about. You know, nobody goes to bed thinking about what their gifts and talents are, or staying awake at night thinking about those or? But what was so disheartening about hearing those sorts of things and not having the the experience or the wisdom at the time to acknowledge it the same way that I do right now, is that I was one of those people. I am one of those people.

Speaker 1:

I did used to go to sleep wondering if I was ever going to touch my potential, if I was ever going to reach that part of myself that felt like this is what I'm here to do, this is what I'm meant to do, this is what I feel so passionately and strongly and all of those things, and I felt so aligned to it and I did. That used to drive me into, like that used to keep me awake at night. So when people said to me, nobody cares about that, it was like a slap in the face, like there was just that other recognition of not being seen, not being heard and being invisible. Or the things that I cared about other people didn't care about. So if you've ever heard those things, or if you've ever felt that your words land incorrectly or they don't get heard, you don't feel seen, you feel invisible, you feel like the things that you want to put out into the world don't matter, or the world, the external world, doesn't seem to see it as mattering, then please listen, hear the words that I wish to share here, because I believe that life takes us on a journey and I was meant to hear those words. I was meant to hear people say to me that doesn't matter. I was meant to hear those and I was meant to uncover more of why I believe it does matter, because back then I didn't have the understanding that I do now, and so life took me on that journey to make me understand why is it important and why is it important that I share it. Because I believe it is important and the more I talk to people and the more I listen and the more I observe, and the more I observe and the more I experience and the more I experiment, I understand that it is actually not about change. It's actually not about being dissatisfied with where we are, or it's not about being invisible, or it's not about trying to be something that we're not. What it is is about full acceptance of who we are. So I can actually save you about 20 years of discomfort, of dissatisfaction, of working really hard and just say to you that it is actually not about change. It's actually not about change. It's actually not about change. It's really not about changing who you are.

Speaker 1:

That is the biggest, the biggest, I want to say lie, but it's not a lie, it's really just ignorance, really, because what it is is that we do think that we need to change, we think that we need to make these big rocks in the bucket changes, but really it isn't. I'll tell you what. The biggest change, the biggest transformation, the biggest, best gift that anyone can give to themselves, is full acceptance of who you are, where you are, every little piece about yourself. If you can come to the full acceptance of all of the facets of you and yes, I'm talking about the deepest, darkest, most horrible parts of yourself that you see as not being good about you, the darkest parts. If you can come to the realization that that's you, come to the full acceptance of those parts of you, that will create the biggest change and the biggest transformation, and you won't. Actually, you know that's a part of the journey that you will undergo, because here's another thing about change is like people fear this whole change thing, but any change that's occurred in my life has really come as a consequence of me, not even actively.

Speaker 1:

Well, I do look, you know, I am a big, big, huge reflective person, which has has been a good thing for me, but it's also been a very harsh critic for me, so it brought up a lot of insecurities. I would say that I would never go so far as to say I have no insecurities. I definitely do. I think what would be the transformation on that, though, is that I'm more aware of them, so they don't come up and they're not like silent saboteurs anymore. I can usually see when it's coming up, and then there's there can be that that course of reflection, and to look at it and go, ok, right, what is this about? And yes, okay, there's a fear here. Okay, what is it about. Okay, do I fear that this won't be heard? Or do I fear that maybe I won't say it the right way? Or do I feel all of these things? And yes, of course I do. But you know there's also another, another saying, which is just do it scared.

Speaker 1:

And you know, you get to a phase in your life which I feel like I'm in is that you actually just embrace all of it, and then the people who are right will hear it, and the people who are not won't, and that's okay. You know that is a great place to be. It's there's that acceptance of this is who I am. I feel that there is a lot of wisdom and experience, and it's it's born out of not just my own experience, but observing others experiences and and learning and experimenting with things. And you know, as I said back, however, many years ago, it was when that person said to me nobody cares about unlocking gifts and talents. And I guess you know that's maybe not the sales pitch, you know you don't go in with that. But even more recently was somebody saying don't call yourself a transformational coach, because some people just don't, people just don't want to change, and so then you start second guessing yourself, or or I started second guessing myself on, oh, is that the right thing?

Speaker 1:

But when I think about anything that makes sense, over all of the work that I have done over the years, even starting out in accounting and finance, moving into construction, moving into personal development, you know there is one theme that follows that all along and that is transformation, change. Having the rug pulled out from underneath you, you know, losing jobs, losing money, losing relationships, you know those sorts of things Like change has come upon me without me necessarily me consciously instigating that. So I get it. I get change, I get transformation and I get what it's like to go on that journey to understand that your inner voice, your intuition, is the voice In a sea of external voices and very powerful, strong voices who are more powerful, who are more successful, who are more achievement orientated, who are all of the things. It's very easy and I call it very seductive, it's very seductive to listen to that external voice, to hear it as the voice that knows better.

Speaker 1:

And so, yes, it has been a journey to go within, to to hear my inner voice, to hear the, the inner stirrings, to, to understand the inner mechanisms, to see where I get stopped to see where I move on things and when there's a powerful um, there's something powerful that needs to be said and needs to be heard, and when I trust that, then then I get to see what happens. When that happens and magic really happens, which is amazing. Which is amazing, which is? Then it becomes refreshing, it becomes effortless, because you are just then being yourself. There's that authenticity that comes out and it's you're not trying to be anyone else. You get to say the words the way that you say it. You get to say the words that you mean to say. You don't try to be smart or try to sound like somebody else, or you don't try to be like anyone else. You are in full acceptance of who you are and knowing that sometimes you're going to rub people the wrong way and that is okay.

Speaker 1:

You know, I get triggered by people. I trigger people. Do I deliberately trigger them? No, of course not. Do people deliberately trigger me? No, of course not. It happens because we are meant to learn something from these triggers. They give us information. Triggers help us to understand ourselves better. If we are willing to go on that journey, if we're willing to be conscious about listen, that person triggers me. You see, here's the thing. This is what I've noticed is that what I've noticed is around, particularly around, these triggers. And so I've tried it on myself because, you know, it's a fairly newish awareness over this year, last year, actually over this last year, about really becoming conscious about when people trigger me and actually using it as a self-reflection tool rather than like that person triggered me.

Speaker 1:

I need to give them space, I need to be away from them. It's like, okay, what if they were here to honor me and what if they were actually here to share information for me that helped me on my journey? Now, these, these are going to be. They're going to vary in their strengths and their impact on ourselves. So, you know, treat them, treat yourself kindly, treat yourself gently, give yourself love, because not all of them are going to be easy and not all of them, you know know, are going to happen in that instantaneous kind of healing. Traumatic all of that, because there are still some that I am working on. They are like a. It feels like one of those life lessons. You know, it's like just just do your best, just do your best, just do your best and, uh, always be conscious.

Speaker 1:

Okay, this is a trigger. Why is it triggering? Okay, I get it and I'm not opposed to asking God for a little bit of guidance here. It's like you know, I'm really struggling with this, so can you help me with this? I need support. So, whether, so whether it's God, allah, many, many different gods, angels, whatever works for you, source energy, the universe, whatever works for you, I am very universal. This is definitely not about any kind of religion. It's really about the religion of you and whatever works for you in this capacity, then please just adopt the words that work for you. But yeah, so you know, inviting that guidance from an external source that is universal not not not necessarily human in nature, but it's being is noticing the triggers and noticing that, when you ask for the guidance or ask for the help or assistance, is noticing how quickly things can change.

Speaker 1:

So, you know, I've noticed a couple of things, especially in my immediate vicinity, you know so, things that I can't necessarily move away from. They are here. I kind of need to find a way to work through it, because it's not something like if, for instance, if you were experiencing this in a work environment. Yes, you have choices. You can always move and also move. You know it, it's not like that, but sometimes that's not practical, right. So it's more about like, let's, if I could find a place where I can accept this is it. Can I find a place where I can, uh, is there a transformative, transformative quality about this? And so I really invite you to go on that journey. And and yes, it's about boundaries it's about establishing what am I okay with and what am I not okay with.

Speaker 1:

I'm not suggesting that anyone stays in any situation that is causing you, um, you know, physical, emotional and all that kind of trauma. Like, really and truly, think about this for yourself. Don't, don't, ever continue to put yourself in a situation that is is, you know, detrimental to your well-being. But if it is something that you know that it's a, it's a trigger, it's something that you can work on, then please then do this. And it's about asking for that help and noticing the little things that you do and the little things that other people do, and then you start to notice that it's those little shifts that create these big changes.

Speaker 1:

So it's like we're not necessarily, if we think about it in the 3D, in this very humanistic way, change would mean that you have to do some drastic change. You have to do some drastic change, or that other person will have to do some drastic change. It's going to be like that, and that is where people will stop because they're like, well, I'm not going to going to change, no, that person's not going to change, and so, therefore, you end up in this real stalemate situation and that's very 3d, and I think that you know anyone who has said to me don't, don't talk about transformation, or don't talk about change, or is people will view it in this real deterministic, humanistic way. And so it is black and white and there's no gray. So my invitation is to invite the gray, to invite the gray and for the gray to be the smooth edges.

Speaker 1:

It's like my son's started doing, uh, some drawing and it's all about those blending and shading, and so you have that real dark side and you have that real light side, and so when you're starting out, you have these real black parts and then there's real white parts. But when you start to get, you know you, you start to get more refined in it and you start to shade and you start to blend, and then there's this seamless, this seamless progression from the dark to the light, and you can't really see the lines. They're very blurred, you know, it's all just one. That's what we get when we invite this source, energy or this energetic form to come in and guide us, because you will say something differently, you will. Your edges might be softened, you might have this trusting element to you, there might just be a kinder, more gentle way that you approach things and then that that you will see that response from the other and they will soften. Their edges won't be as hard or as rough.

Speaker 1:

Well, this is the way that I notice it, and this is the even better part about it is that if that person has done their job and the deal is done, all you really had to do was be acknowledging, to have that self-awareness, to see that that wasn't actually about them, it was actually about you. Once you have that awareness, that could just be it, like that person might actually disappear for good. Like that person might actually disappear for good. So that's the thing is that it's not necessarily we think that we have to do these huge rocks, we have to do the rocks in the bucket, but if we be the sand, if we invite the guidance there's, the heavy lifting is actually done for us. So, you know, know, getting back to the start of this, it's like nobody wants to change.

Speaker 1:

So if we come back to that and we invite rather than saying we have to change so many things about us, what if you came to this, sat down, took a couple of really deep breaths into your tummy and were like what would it look like for me to accept all parts of me? What would it? What would it look like for me to accept the situation that I find myself in, even if I don't like it? Now I have, you know, obviously, I, obviously our clients and most of the time when they, when I ask them this question, like no, no, I can't be in full acceptance of this. And honestly, you know, let's take it back maybe 10 years for me, and if somebody had have asked that question, I would have been like no, of course I'm not, I don't like who I am and I want to change and I don't, you know. So, asking me that question back, then I would have said no, no, I'm not happy with this, I'm not happy with this situation, with this, I'm not happy with this situation. So my invitation is even if you say no, no, I can't, no, I'm not happy, no, there is so much I need to change, or if that is the response, then I would love you to accept that that is also your response.

Speaker 1:

You know, like this is where that deep acceptance comes from. It's not about saying, yes, I can accept these parts and no, I can't accept those parts, and being really conditional about it. It's a real, unconditional acceptance of who you are. This will bring the greatest amount of peace. I'll tell you where the game changed for me, right, I have this real side of me that is quite fiery it's probably a nice way to put it and you know so I can be this really lovely, amazing human being and gentle, kind, loving, and people will see that, and it's amazing.

Speaker 1:

Like you know, that's a real lovable part of me. And then, as my sister calls it, there's this real challenging side of me which is like quite stubborn I. I like to, you know, um, you know, when I feel passionately about something, I won't give up, like I will be so steadfast and, you know, hold my ground on it. But then those times I've also found out, sometimes I'm I'm wrong and I have to backpedal and go, oh, okay, maybe that, uh, you know.

Speaker 1:

And so then there's this real fire side of me, and that was the side of me that I didn't like, and that was the side of me that I allowed people to say they weren't lovable parts of me, that I needed to change those, and that's the sad part, because that's a bit that doesn't love yourself, and that's the part that, um, yeah, I get a little bit, even a little bit teary, thinking that that's the way I used to feel about myself, and that pain of not feeling whole, and that pain of not not accepting those parts of me, or that pain of seeing disappointment or dissatisfaction in other people's eyes, because I was less than perfect. And so there was this one particular incident where I'd been fiery, and it wasn't my finest moment, it really wasn't. It wasn't my finest moment, it really wasn't. And I could see myself going into that spiral, because, you know, these sorts of things usually happen after something really good has happened in my life, and then, all of a sudden, there's this blowout of something and I go see, I can't have the both. And so what I did was I said what would happen if I gave myself grace, what would happen if I gave myself grace for myself in this moment, and this is why I say like there's always instantaneous evidence that presents itself. And you know, I remember the next morning my son was doing something and he did it and he goes oh my God, I'm just so proud of myself and I was like, oh my gosh, you know, and that is that energetic frequency that just gets shared, and and that was how I felt as well, I felt proud of myself.

Speaker 1:

That, you know, it's not about what we do, but about how we treat ourselves when things are not as perfect. And and and I would even go further to say is that when we can come to that level of compassion for ourselves, we then offer that level of compassion to other people. But if we are really hard on ourselves, then we will be hard on everyone and we will be having very high expectations of how they should be, of what they should do, and we will be very judgmental. And that's when we start to blame other people and that's when we externalise and that's when we just get to put ourselves in that situation where we're like, yep, I'm so much better because that person is way worse than me, but that doesn't make it better and it doesn't bring that acceptance and it doesn't bring us to a sense of wholeness and completeness within ourselves, and that is really what we want to go towards. So it's not about change, it's about acceptance. It's about accepting all facets of ourselves our light, our dark, our shadows, all the things. You see. The thing is and the other thing about this is that when we have this acceptance, we will start to see a diminishing of the things that we found so challenging.

Speaker 1:

And screen to get my voice across about what was right and what was wrong because it's very black and white and this needed to be the way that it was is that you become a little bit softer and it's like okay, maybe I can actually sit back a minute and I can actually listen to somebody else's perspective, and then maybe we can have a conversation about it, rather than this confrontation, a conversation versus confrontation and then you get like a full rounded perspective. I'm just using that as an example. Is that? That's what I noticed? I actually became more calm. Don't don't even think that I'm I'm naturally intense, so I've accepted that as a part of myself, that I am an intense person. I feel things intensely, I feel happiness intensely and I feel, you know, rage intensely as well. So it's like you know, it comes to an acceptance of the, the rainbow, this full spectrum of emotions and feelings and expressions, and so it's about honouring those about yourself and not judging, and then we can put ourselves out there with that authenticity that has meaning and purpose about it.

Speaker 1:

And there was something else I wanted to say, so here's the other thing is that I did some work with the gene keys, and you know, I am a I am a gene keys guide, and and so what it's about is we have these spheres, and each of the spheres in our, in our chart, has a challenge, a gift and a city. So they call it a city. I call it like this, enlightened version. So we have many, many of these in our chart, and this is not about the jinkies. I just want to get the point across about, you know, about this whole dark and light business, and this is the best way that I have found to describe that, because I've always been the sort of person who believes that the, the breakdown, equals the breakthrough. Our challenges bring on a gift. We, we will experience a gift from our challenge, and so if we can, you know, welcome in those challenges then we get this deeper and richer experience of ourselves and of life.

Speaker 1:

But through the work of the gene keys this becomes even more apparent, even to the situation of particular words. Even to the situation of particular words. Now, when you hear the word control, most of the time we will hear and feel that in a negative context, that person's controlling that person. You know, yeah, controlling, we know what controlling means and we usually can conjure up some sort of picture of somebody being very domineering and controlling. We know what controlling means and we usually can conjure up some sort of picture of somebody being very domineering and controlling. And I have this in my chart, right. So you know, when I saw this I was like, yeah, big surprise. And then on the other side of that is so, there's authority is the gift, so control is the challenge, authority is the gift, so control is the challenge. Uh, authority is the gift. And then, uh, valour, god. Uh is the is the enlightened version. So I won't go deeply into that other than that will be safe for another story, most likely. But anyway, I want to talk about the control aspect because what I've realized about these gene keys is, once you really go into them deeper, there's no negative aspect. There is a shadow aspect, but the shadow contains the gift. So the shadow in this case is that authority. So we see authority can also be a negative.

Speaker 1:

I definitely have had struggles with authority. I've never liked being told what to do. I don't think anyone does, but you know some. You know some people do get a little bit wound up about being told what to do, because nobody likes being told what to do. So what I have come to realize and then I changed this valour to trust, because I couldn't quite get my head around the whole valour thing, so I changed it to trust which was that ultimate trust in myself, trust in others, trust in the universe about is understanding that the control yes, when it is used in that way that is not supporting other people, where it's just trampling on other people or things, that's potentially a negative aspect. That's not the way that you know the control can be used, or it's not as effective. Control can be used or it's not as effective.

Speaker 1:

But what I started understanding is that I need to have a certain amount of control in my environment. I need to have a certain amount. If I'm running meetings, I need to control that space and and that's where that authority comes in. It's like owning that authority, having those, creating those boundaries where it's like this is the space, this is what's happening. Uh, this is okay, that's not okay. And it's um about putting those, those boundaries in place and making it clear to everybody so that everyone is on the same page and understands that, yes, this is what we're working towards. If you like it, great. If you't, then that's okay. But there's a certain amount of control and authority that needs to be expressed there.

Speaker 1:

So the deeper you go into this work, you will start to see that it is really very subtle changes that create the big shifts. So, from seeing myself as this real controlling person uh, who you know control, control, control, control it now becomes a softer control of like okay, yes, I, this is part of my nature, that is the way that I am, but does it have to be in a negative context? No, no, I can have a softer side of myself. I can hold my boundaries, I can be very like, uh, soft in that aspect where it's like this is what I accept, this is what I don't accept. And if you like that, that's great. If you don't, that's also great, then move on. And then everyone. Just, it's a very soft way that people can participate or not and there is a choice in that in that process. So we've gone on a little bit of a deep dive here.

Speaker 1:

I hope that what you have taken from this is that you know that whole nobody wants to change. You know, my invitation is really to invite the shift in the perspective of, like, what would I open up more about myself if I had that full acceptance of who I am, where I am, what parts of myself can I accept? And you know, people talk about this healing journey all the time. I get a little bit like people say I just, I just need to heal myself. Okay, okay, that's, that's fine. There are certain times in life where we need to allow ourselves that space to heal, to, to grieve, to do the things, to feel the sadness, to feel the anger, whatever. To feel the sadness, to feel the anger, whatever it is. Go through the motions. But my invitation is that your healing journey is quite possibly going to take a lifetime, right?

Speaker 1:

I don't believe that this is like a thing that we finally arrive at this one day and we just go. I am a perfect human being and I am so satisfied with all that I am and what I have done. I'm not entirely sure that that is like. That's a picture of perfection that I chased for about 10 years until I realized it was a complete and utter waste of time. So this is where that growth mindset comes in. It acknowledging the journey. It's enjoying the journey, not this destination. It's acknowledging that we will be healing the whole time.

Speaker 1:

And why do I mention it is because you know, when we come to this place of like I don't want to change because it would mean that I have to do all of these things. It's like that can be that whole stopping point for it. It's like know where you want to go and know that whatever needs to heal or come up will present itself and you can deal with it in those moments. I don't believe in like just sitting there digging in the dirt, just going okay, well, let me just see what I can find here. That is the. It's the most inefficient use of time.

Speaker 1:

I would really strongly invite you to look ahead, look what it is that you're going towards and just know that the shadow or whatever needs to be healed will present itself and then you can deal with it at the time and you will be in a nice, strong position to do that. You will be ready for that. Nobody wants to change, so don't see it as change. Welcome in the deepest, most beautiful parts of yourself. Ask for those to be presented. Go into the fullest and most authentic alignment with your soul's purpose and mission at this time, you know, open up to the fullest expression, the most authentic version of yourself, and see what things come about, what changes come about that maybe you didn't even facilitate consciously. And that's the magic, that's the beauty, that's what we're here to witness and to embrace and to love and cherish, because that is when we look at our life and go, wow, that's the masterpiece I am, that masterpiece that I've been looking for this whole time. So with that, I wish you a magnificent day.

Speaker 1:

Go and reflect, or not, allow it to just settle in. Settle in. If you feel the need or urge to uh, to do some, uh, some journaling, then then do that too. And yeah, always. You know this one is a big, deep, deep one. We've gone on a big journey.

Speaker 1:

So if you do have questions, you know, shoot them through through to me and also share any insights or wisdom or connections or things that came about because of a new perspective that you have had. Listening to this, that would be amazing, and if you have questions, that's great, because then we can take this concept deeper and we can explore more of this. So don't be shy. I look forward to hearing from you and I wish you a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Lots of love, bye. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Journey to Iconic Podcast. I hope you found inspiration and practical insights to help you unlock your highest potential. If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate and leave a review to help others find us For more resources and to connect with our community. Follow Kirsten Barford on LinkedIn and other socials or visit our website at wwwkirstenbarwoodcom. Remember your journey to iconic starts with embracing your unique self and stepping into your power. Until next time, keep moving forward, trust yourself and remember I've got you.