Journey to Iconic Podcast

Choose You: Without the Guilt

• Kirsten Barfoot • Season 1 • Episode 16

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What if the knot in your stomach isn’t a warning to people-please, but an invitation to finally choose yourself? We dive into the real reason saying no feels edgy, how resentment grows from quiet martyrdom, and why honest emotion carries a stronger frequency than forced positivity. This is a grounded, practical journey from lack to wholeness—where boundaries are clean, relationships mature, and your energy stops leaking into obligations that don’t serve you.

We unpack the mechanics of triggers and nervous-system reactions, then flip the frame: other people aren’t villains in your story, they’re indicators pointing to where you abandon yourself. You’ll hear how to pause, read your body’s signals, and reflect once the emotional charge settles. We explore the “for me, for you, for us” test for decision-making, and what it means to trust others to find their own solutions. From career pivots to partnerships, we look at why blessings like money and visibility demand greater responsibility—and how to hold that weight without collapsing into old patterns.

Along the way, we tackle distractions that test your commitment, the myth that your yes must be someone else’s win, and the practice of making no a complete sentence. Expect simple, usable prompts: audit your agreements, spot the difference between a full-body yes and obligation, and create space for daily choices that align with your highest good. The destination matters less than the repeated act of choosing yourself—because that repetition is what dissolves resentment, raises your signal, and invites others to stand in their wholeness too.

If this conversation resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs a brave no today, and leave a review to help more listeners find us. Your insight could be the nudge someone else needs to choose themselves.

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SPEAKER_00:

What are you looking to do? What's happening to you? You're in the life. Let's embark on this journey together and start transforming your life together. Hello, hello. And today I want to talk about the discomfort that comes from choosing you. Let that sink in for a minute. The discomfort that comes from choosing you. Now, if you've worked through this yourself, you will know what I'm talking about. If you have not had this experience, then you will not. And you may reject it outright. My invitation is to stick with it because these things happen very unconsciously. And if you're anything like me, you're used to operating in the world, saying yes to people, being available, being um, you know, a good human being, a good decent human being, being nice, saying yes. And I think we have been taught this. I think also that when you can have a look at it, how it operates in your life, you can see that there's a martyrdom to it. It's like I'm doing all of these things for people. Uh, and then there with that comes somewhat of an expectation that they will return that favor. Uh uh and there can be this real, like you know, anger and bitterness and resentment that can build up over time when when this isn't, and yet it was never their responsibility to return in kind anyway, because if we had been giving from a full cup, it would never have come from with an expectation to be returned, and so this is where we lick out our energy, and this is why we end up having depleted energy, feeling exhausted, burnt out, because we are agreeing to things that are not really in our highest good at that particular time. And how do we start to notice these things? Is that there will be, you know, I've talked uh quite a lot about triggers, and maybe I need to explain that is that when we are feeling triggered by the external world, there might be someone or some thing who we believe has not treated us kindly or hasn't treated us appropriately or has asked too much or has been too demanding. Maybe think of these words that we have a tendency to use that there are toxic people out there, there are the narcissists out there, and you know, all of these things we're seeing these people as doing something to us. But when we look at it from that perspective, if we say that somebody is doing something to us, then we are very reactive and we are very victimized, and so we can end up being reactive back and behaving in ways that might not be appropriate. So so so sometimes when people um feel pushed up against a wall, um, there are a couple of ways that people react. Like, if you're like me, it's kind of like there's a reaction, it's an outer reaction that takes place. So some people they have an inner reaction, so they they have a tendency to shut down. Um, both are a sense of reaction, and it can be, you know, we can start to notice these reactions in our body. There is a chemical, uh, there is a chemical reaction that takes place in our body. And so when we can slow down and start paying attention to what's happening in our body, we will start to notice what's not working for us, and it's not that in that moment that we get to fix it necessarily because sometimes you know the reaction takes place, it's an automatic thing, we've done what we've done, and then there's this place of reflection that we could come back and go, Oh, what happened there? Again, we might say, Well, this person treated me like that, and that's why I did what I did. But it's it's if we can look at that person as being the um the indicator for us, they're actually there in our highest good. You may not feel like it at the time, particularly if you feel like you're being treated unkindly or unfairly. We can have a tendency to not want to go and have a look at this. But my invitation again is just to stick with this, you know, find a place where you know, it might it might be like several days later if it needs to be, where you come to a place of equilibrium and you're not as you know emotionally entangled with the situation anymore. And to ask yourself like, if there was something that I could learn about that, what would it be? And my invitation is to ask the question to yourself, what would it look like if I chose me in that situation? Because this is something that I've been playing with. Um, you know, you hear these things, choose yourself, lead yourself, all of those things. I've used all of them. I really have. I have used all of those things and I fully believe them, and I thought that I was so on top of it, and yet recent this year, actually, this year has been a year of like just looking at all of the ways that I haven't chosen myself, in all the ways that I say yes to people, in all the ways that I want to accommodate people, in all the ways that I don't want to upset people. But here's the thing: invariably whether we upset people or not is actually none of our business because that's their own stuff to figure out. We have to figure out our own stuff. If we get upset, if we get triggered, if we get angry, if we react in some way, whether we shut down or we explode, that's our business. That's our responsibility to figure out what is in that. And I read this uh this quote the other day. I have it on in my diary, and you know, each week, and on the top of it it said, maybe the unit, maybe the universe isn't waiting or holding you up. Maybe the universe is waiting to see if you'll choose yourself when the blessing comes. And I tell you, that just hit so hard. Maybe the universe is waiting to see if you will choose you when the blessing comes. And I just was like, oh my goodness, that is so powerful because we're usually waiting for something to come, right? That's gonna take us out of our pain, and you know, more money, more uh, more success, more a partnership, or you know, more uh peace in our lives, more harmony, more love, whatever it is, you know, more holidays, whatever it is. We we want something, right? And what would happen if we got all of those things is there would be a deeper responsibility. So let's just say it's more money. So we would have a more of a responsibility to handle that with care. Maybe we make more decisions. There's more decisions that get to be made with more money, maybe there's more people that we get to look after with more money. And what about uh more success? More success might mean being seen more, being heard more. And are we going to choose ourselves in those moments? Are we going to handle the responsibility that comes with that with those dreams coming true? So it's it's funny because we want all of these things, and yet are we choosing ourselves? Because this was a revel another revelation. Is is that we go to we make a we make a decision to go towards something, right? Be it a holiday or uh increasing your business or going for a promotion or looking for a new partner, right? And in all of these things, we will be going on a trajectory, and there will be uh I call them distractions. There will be these distractions that will come in, and they are always there, they're presented to you to say, are you going to choose you in this moment or are you going to figure out something else? Because I've been doing a lot of work with the Kabbalah and David Guillaume particularly, he's on Instagram, he's amazing. You should go and check him out. And this morning he talks about lack. Like, don't ever start your day with lack, like, don't go out of your house with lack. Meaning, you know, if uh you start your day thinking that there's no solutions, like this is going to come around to a particular story for me, is that you know, if you uh and he he was talking about don't think that there is a lack or that you need something from somebody else. Because when we go out of the house or we move out of our our zone thinking we need something from somebody, we are always coming from that lack, and therefore we're always looking for something, someone, some uh some answer to some question. Instead of coming from this place of there is a solution, I there I am whole, I don't need anything from anyone because he talks about, he says, you know, your job in life is to bind yourself to the light of the creator. Oh my god! I was like, oh, that is such a next level thing. So if our job, our only job is to bind ourselves to the light of the creator, which means then we become an infinite, infinite soul, then we are connected to everything, everyone, all things. I know I'm covering a lot here today. Take it in. Just know that you the what information is right for you will land for you, and you can always come back and listen again, and you'll take in something else, you know. Because I've been listening to this lady Melanie Ann Leyer talk about leading herself, choosing yourself, all of those things for I don't know, about four years now. And today was the first day that I was like, Oh my gosh, I understand what that means when you choose yourself. Because getting back to where we started here today is there is a discomfort that comes from that. There is a discomfort because when we choose us, uh what we look at in uh humanity is that we haven't chosen something else, and so we make it mean I chose me and therefore I couldn't choose that other thing. And so we make it mean if I it's like at the ultimate sacrifice, right? I choose me, and yet what Melanie Ann Leia talks about is she says it's for me, for you, for us. And she's very good at explaining this because when we talk about for me, is it good for me? Yes, is it good for this other person? No. Is it good for us? No, because ultimately it's not good for the whole. And so if you choose for somebody else and you say, is it good for them? and they you say yes, but it's not good for me, then ultimately it's not good for us because it's not good for the whole. So this is a really powerful question because ultimately where we get to come to is this place of is it good for me, is it good for them, is it good for the whole? Yes. However, when we view the world with lack, what we see is me choosing myself means that somebody else misses out on something. And that is our lack. Right? Or hang on a minute, if I choose them, then I I don't choose myself. That's lack. It's ultimately referred to as sacrifice, which we have tended to wear like a badge, and then we end up being martyrs because it's like, well, if I don't do it, nobody else can do it. Lack. That's where we are embodied in that experience of lack. However, what happens if we bind ourselves to the life of the creator? Right? We're now infinite, we have access to everything, we don't need anything from anyone, we are whole as we are. What does that mean then? Means that I am whole, you are whole. So if I choose me, and I don't choose my partner, or uh I don't choose my friend, or I don't choose um the opportunity, but we're coming from a place of wholeness and completeness. It's like this is not the solution for me right now, or I can't be the solution for this right now. However, because I am whole and complete, and because I know I have access to everything, I also know that you do too, which means then that maybe I'm not the solution, but I know that you're gonna figure this out. I can trust that you've got this and you can figure this out, that there is a solution. I might just not be it right now, but I trust that you're gonna figure this out. That means it's good for me, it's good for them, and it's good for the whole. And that is what's called a shift in perspective. It means when we can elevate ourselves, when we can choose us, we have so much capacity for the things that are meaningful. It means that we can chase our dreams, it means that we've got all of this access to energy, we can put it into the parenting, we can put it into loving more, being more. When we come from that place of pure embodiment of choosing us, we actually show other people to choose themselves to, and then because they've chosen themselves and can figure out that wow, I got that, I figured that out for myself. I trust that you can as well. So that ripples out, and now we're showing people how to choose themselves. Now, just a big thought-provoking question because I always like these big thought provokers because people like to ask me, but what are we gonna do about the state of the world? I feel so that I can't do anything, and that's correct. Like, what are we gonna do about the state of the world? Like, if we try to challenge the president or the prime minister or you know, the global food organization or whatever these places are called, we're just one person. We're just one person, and I don't believe in figuring things out from that top down. The way that I believe that we can work is from the bottom up, and so when I say bottom up, I don't mean that we're like little people, but I suppose that we are like you know, we're the one people on the on the planet, and what is the best that we can do is we can show up for ourselves because ultimately, when we show up for ourselves, when we choose us, we show other people how to choose themselves, and when other people know to uh choose themselves, then what are we losing? We're losing resentment, we're losing this buildup of anger, resentment, bitterness, all of those things. And so when we choose to live in that world and we are inspiring other people to choose from that place, guess what's happening? You're contributing to the frequency of the planet, you are actively participating in increasing the frequency of the planet, you are touching other people, and we you know the physicists talk about the atom being uh.000000 uh one. Don't know how many zeros, sorry, um, is matter and the rest is energy. So just think about how big our field must be if we are the matter component. When we can come to that place where we are understanding that our frequency, our energy precedes us more than ourselves, our actual human selves, then we have a responsibility to that frequency because we know that that's what we're contributing. Now, you know, people talk about can I have negative thoughts? Can I have this and that and all the things? Yes, you know, I think that people get very stressed about these things and then they don't acknowledge that they feel unhappy or sad or feeling grief or anger or any of those things. Well, I think that there is a frequency with authenticity, which is the acknowledgement of how you feel, which is not being angry and saying I'm not angry or saying I'm happy or putting on a smiley face because you think that that's the way to put out that's inauthentic, and there's a frequency that comes with that, which is not as high or as elevated as acknowledging, hey, I feel a little bit angry right now. Don't think this is the best time for me to problem solve this because uh actually, you know, it's it's going to have that frequency about it. There is an honesty about that that is so powerful, and then what you can do is then say, Okay, what am I going to do that is going to support how I'm feeling right now? And you know, you might want to exercise, you might want to go and meditate, you might want to uh you know, you you can you might want to journal. But it's also acknowledging that discomfort because here's the thing: we're so used to not acknowledging this discomfort. We want to be comfortable all of the time, and and suddenly when our bodies are raging against us, this decision that we need to make, we misinterpret that information. But when we have those experiences in our bodies, it's a time to take notice, it's a time to say, what is the information presenting here? What am I not acknowledging? What can I acknowledge? And it's gonna take some practice. But when we can acknowledge, okay, there is going to be a discomfort with saying no, with choosing myself when you're uh just starting out. I'm I'm laughing because you know I get to where I am in my life, and this is like a new revelation for me is to say no, and there is a discomfort with that, but then there's a revelation that comes from that, like every single uh event or situation in our life, whether it brings discomfort, whether it's uncomfortable, it's challenging, all of those things. These are moments of revelation, these are moments of pure potential, these are the times when the miracle is just so close. But we're not taught like that. We're taught like just ignore it, move on, you know, wipe your wipe your get up, dust yourself off and continue. And I'm not saying don't do that. I mean, we do need to dust ourselves off and continue. But if we are willing to go on that journey to uh see what the information is without like judging it and saying, well, that person did that to me, or uh feeling like you've been treated unfairly, what what is this situation teaching you that is a potential life-changing event? And so every single trigger or every single person in our lives who we feel um victimized against can actually be like that person who is our savior. You know, they have been brought here to help us and support us to be our highest potential, to bind ourselves closer to the light of the Creator, for us to see ourselves as whole, for us to see ourselves as um whole and complete, and everything we can figure out. So, today I want you to think about like all of or at least bring some consciousness to all that you are agreeing to. So, what are you saying yes to? And is it a full-body yes? Is it something that you're like, yep, I'm so pumped. I I really want to do this, it's gonna be so good. Or is it like, oh my god, really? Why did I answer the phone? The most powerful word that we can use is the word no. We have to stop this being available for everybody because when we are being available for everybody, guess who we are not being available for? That's right, for ourselves, and when we make our choices, our commitments that we say, I am going after that thing. No matter what happens, no matter what happens, that's mine, I don't care. I'm gonna tell you something that the world and life is gonna throw things at you to show you how many ways that you get distracted on that path. So the manifestation that we are after, whatever that might be, may be actually being held up by virtue of how many ways we are getting distracted along the way, and how many ways we are not choosing us, and so the manifestation then becomes because we chose us, and that, my friends, is a journey, and that when we can look back on that and see the full manifestation of that dream of that of that thing that we held so so high, and and we know that throughout that process, it was a process of choosing us the whole way through. Do you think you're going to enjoy that journey? Or, like it might not, because uh, you know, there's that discomfort along the way, but we're going to get used to that. We are refining that, we get used to that negative experience, those negative feelings in our body, and we start to make sense of those so that we're not judging them as bad, we're judging them as on the way, and those feelings, you know, we we start to then trust them. We can trust them as deep, wisdom, wise parts of ourselves that are giving us information, and you know, that's our choice is to say, what can I see here that's going to make a big difference to me? So we we talk about you know the journey to iconic, and it was a really specific name. It's a really specific name, you know, unlocking your intuition, being seen and heard in a crowd. It's like this journey. And the reason for having the journey is because you know, we talk about all the time, it's the journey, not the destination, but we still chase the destination, we still want that, we still want that because that's the that's the litmus test. It's like I made it, I did it, and yet when we flip it and we talk it in the context of what we've just talked about today, like it's the journey of choosing us. It's like every single day I chose myself, every single day I came from a place of wholeness and completeness, every single day I chose myself. And when I chose myself, I knew that when I chose me, that I also gave permission to somebody else to choose themselves. And even if I wasn't able to support them or help them or be the solution, I know and I could trust that the solution would be available to them too. And so I could always look, is it good for me? Yes. Is it good for them? Yes, of course. Because if it's in my highest potential, then it's in their highest potential, and then that's good for the whole. So sometimes it isn't what we choose, it's how we think about what we chose. So one person might say, Well, I I won, but you lost, so therefore we all lost, because not everyone won. Or we could say, I won, and I know you you get to win too, in your own way, and therefore we all win. And it's about having that openness and that receptivity to the fact that we are infinite, we are whole, we are complete. And when we come from that place, we know that other people are as well. And maybe we're on different, you know, we we're at different phases of the journey of understanding this because look, we just are, you know, I feel like we get things in our head, we can understand it, we can comprehend it. Yes. And then there's a difference when uh it becomes a lived wisdom, it becomes an embodiment, and I'm sure that embodiment just gets deeper and deeper and deeper. Because as I said, you know, I've been following Melanie and Lea for four years now. I wrote, I wrote, you know, it it's it's wonderful to choose myself. And I just was like, oh my god, she's been saying that for ages. And I was like, Yeah, of course I choose myself, of course I choose myself. But there is a discomfort with choosing ourselves that we don't talk about, and that's where I wanted to talk about because I wanted to say that really and truly, we've got to come, we've got to come through this. We've got to come through the fact that choosing ourselves is not always going to be comfortable, it's not always going to feel good, and not everyone is going to understand it, and not everyone is going to be on the same page as you. There will be those who will say, Oh, that is a really selfish thing to do. And then they will judge you on that. And you're going to have to be okay about that. That that is their choice, that is the way that they think. And you know, I've probably labeled people selfish in my time too, you know, because they chose themselves. And I made it mean that they didn't choose me or they didn't choose the family or whatever, you know. And so, you know, when I have a look at it from this wholeness and completeness, it's like all these souls have come to the world, and we all have our lessons and we all have our um our things, our challenges that we're going to have to work through because this is how we become even more than we ever thought we could be. But that doesn't come from that rosy golden path the whole time. In fact, it comes from a lot of challenge because each challenge offers us an opportunity to grow and to see things differently. And this is what makes the life worthwhile because there's sometimes, you know, I talk to God and I say, God, you know, I think we overshot. I think we overshot my capabilities. I'm not so sure that we are, you know, like I I think when we were up there everything was great, but down here it's actually pretty hard, and I really don't know if I know what I'm doing. And um, maybe we could like review the terms of the contract, and and then you know, I just I leave it as it is, and then the next day something happens, and it's like this massive revelation and this massive miracle, and I go, Okay, I gotta, I hear you, I hear you, and all God's saying is you gotta choose you, Kirsten. You gotta choose you, and then when you get that, what you gotta go and do is you need to. Go and sh and show or share that with others because they need to choose them too. And they need to know that when they choose themselves, that it doesn't mean that somebody else is missing out. It means that somebody else has an opportunity to also choose themselves. And that's what we're here for. We're all here with a divine contract. We're here to learn, to grow, and to share. Because when we learn something and we share it with others, it helps them on their journey too. And that what is that that's the life of meaning, you know? And that comes in many different forms. We don't all uh talk to God in the same way, and we don't all have the same beliefs or systems or whatever that we we um we bring into our life, and it's about just acknowledging what's going to work for us and what's going to speak to us, and and just speaking the language of your own soul, um, and and not having to buy into somebody else's uh language, but you know, not not saying somebody else is wrong because they speak in a certain way, it's like just acknowledge what they're saying, take the message, take the story, figure out what that means for you, and and you know, bring on your own revelations and insights. So I hope this has been helpful. I just wanted to come on and really inspire you to choose you, despite the discomfort that comes from it, despite what else might happen, but really come from that from that place of choosing you from wholeness and completeness, and understanding that when you choose you from that place of wholeness and completeness, you can understand that other people will be able to choose them too in whatever way that looks for them. And as usual, I would love you to share your insights because um this is a big one. This is a huge one, an absolutely massive topic, and you know, potentially life-changing, potentially career changing, potentially relationship changing. This one has the potential to really take all your relationships to a whole new level. And if they don't go to a whole new level and they want to stay the same and they're not accepting of you choosing you, check in first. Are you coming from the right place? Because that's a big thing, like that's a huge thing, too. Um, you know, I I hear a lot of people they talk about, well, you know, uh, I have this revelation and I'm just waiting for that person to get their revelation. I don't believe that that is coming from the the place. The place is knowing that they are on their own journey and they will figure out their own things in their own time, and it's giving space and compassion to other people. Does it mean that you have to be on that journey with that person? No, not necessarily, but make sure you're coming from it from a place of wholeness and completeness and understanding that you are an infinite being and so are they, and we all come to our realizations at different times and to offer love, grace, harmony to those people as well. So there we go. Share your insights, let me know if this landed, and uh I look forward to seeing you on the next one. Lots of love to you. Bye. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Journey to Iconic Podcast. I hope you found inspiration and practical insights to help you unlock your highest potential. If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate, and leave a review to help others find us. For more resources and to connect with our community, look at or visit our website at www.com. Remember, good journey twice. Until next time, keep moving forward.