Journey to Iconic Podcast

Redefining Identity: From “What Do You Do?” To “Who Are You?”

• Kirsten Barfoot • Season 1 • Episode 18

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Small talk says, “What do you do?” Real talk asks, “Who are you, and what gift are you here to bring?” We unpack the trap of reducing identity to a job title and explore a more generous lens on purpose: moving from inadequacy, through resourcefulness, into embodied wisdom you can share. Drawing on the Gene Keys activation sequence, we reframe fear as a signpost to the unknown and show why certainty in your ability to figure things out beats certainty about outcomes every time.

Across the hour, we tackle how to honour grief and mess and appropriately turn them into content, why integrity is the backbone of authenticity, and how to speak from the grounded place that attracts the right people and repels the wrong rooms. 

We look at the difference between fast knowledge and earned wisdom in an AI-saturated world, and why the skills that matter now are creativity, discernment, initiative, and the courage to keep taking the next step. You’ll hear stories of disagreement handled with respect, projects that demanded flexibility over pride, and the many mistakes that forged capability rather than shame.

You’ll also get simple practices to make this real today: a journaling ritual with classical music, the phrase “open and willing” to unlock momentum, and a set of better questions to ask the people in your life so you can know them beyond their roles. If you’re ready to stop contorting yourself into labels and start expressing the truth that lives in your bones, this conversation is your nudge.

If this resonated, follow the Journey to Iconic Podcast, share it with a friend who’s rethinking their path, and leave a review with the one question you’ll ask instead of “What do you do?” Your words help others find us.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, hello. And in this episode, I want to delve deeply into who we are and then what are we here for? And what do we do? Because a lot of the time we get asked when we meet somebody, this is the the worst question that could ever be asked me to me. And I used to go to these networking events, and people would be like, you know, the first question people would ask is, What do you do? And you know, even when I was a design manager for a construction company, I hated that question. That was an easily defined answer, wasn't it? Like you could say, I'm a design manager, I work for a construction company, right? Easy. And yet, even back then, uh, when it was easily definable, I I always had resistance to this question. And um, and my dad, even he's like, you know, when people ask you that question, you always seem so awkward. And um, and he's right, because what do you do? Is like like in what context? In what context? Like in my home context, uh, in my community context, in my work context, in what context do you mean what do I do? It is such an open-ended question for somebody like me. But what I realized is that we ask this question so that we can find out what people will do, so that we can find out are they going to be helpful to me or not? Do I want to spend any time with this person or not? And and to me, uh, that question used to make me feel like no, I didn't want to spend time with that person, which is you know pretty judgmental way to go about things. But what I realized is that I did some work with the Jinkeys a number of years ago, and I've probably said this story in another episode or two, but in a different context, and I want to bring it around to what I wanted to discuss today, which is you know, going deeper into what it is we're here to share with the world, you know, um on a deep fundamental core level, what is the gift that we bring to the world? And we can't answer that question by saying, What do we do? Because if I was to say back in those years when I was a design manager for a construction company, easy definition, that would that would not describe what I did or what I'm capable of, or uh, you know, the experience or wisdom that I could share with people because it's just like a very two-dimensional part of my life. And um so I I really want to expand this definition of what we do and who we are, because getting back to the gene keys, we we in the gene keys when you do your um when you do your gene keys, uh you can go and do your own on a free profile. Go to gene keys.com, free profile, go and do it, and you'll come up with an activation sequence. I love this activation sequence, I think, in terms of looking at your primary gifts, like it totally smashed me open in terms of what what our capabilities are, right? Because in that first activation sequence, you've got a sphere called life's work. Now, if you go to some of these other tests or whatever, they go and they talk about life's work, or you should you could be an architect, you could do this, you could do that, and it will define certain types of work for you, and then you can go, like social worker or whatever, you know, it'll it'll give you a definition of what your skill set would open up. But this was slightly different because in my life's work, it it has the sphere of the 48, which is uh moves from the challenge of inadequacy uh through the path of uh resourcefulness and into wisdom. And these words weren't unfamiliar to me. In fact, I was really quite quite unimpressed to see the word inadequacy because I didn't really need just one other thing to point out the inadequacy, you know, because that whole self-doubt, that fear, that fear of being who I am, has been a life, a lifelong journey of uh working through that one. Uh, and I'm I'm happy to say that I still have it. Uh however, it is very much uh it's a uh what do you call it? It's like a signpost for me now. So whenever it comes up, I realize that this is my place to go into the unknown, to to know that the resourcefulness, I have this internal resourcefulness that uh then produces that experience, which then uh produces the wisdom. And then it's that wisdom that that we are here to share. So this is a the the jinky is actually a very deep one, it's not you know going out wide, bursting all over the place. What it is is like this real depth of understanding, of experience, of life, of experimentation, being okay, going into the unknown, feeling the certainty, knowing that you have the inner resourcefulness. So, this is the thing, this is why I love it so much, is that the inadequacy comes up because we you know, like life is filled with all these uncertainties, all of the unknown and you know, changes upon us, all of the things, and this this fills that like that that place in us that feels self-doubt or uncertainty and discomfort, you know. I think you mmm see if you can feel what I'm what I'm saying here. Um, but if we can acknowledge that discomfort, if we can acknowledge that uncertainty that comes up, where that that self-doubt, that fear, all of those things that come up, uh, is knowing deep inside us that this is the place of pure manifestation. Like this is the place of pure potential. Because in this place, this place of you know, muckiness, is the place where when we can shift our view from feeling the inadequacy, we can see, okay, hang on a minute, this is the place where I go into the unknown, and then there needs to come to this place of certainty of knowing that I don't know what the answer is right now, but I know that I'm going to find it, and it's it's knowing having the resourcefulness, trusting the resourcefulness within us to go after the thing, to keep following the the next step, the next step, the the breadcrumbs along the way, and um, and then getting that clarity or that uh that understanding that takes us to that next level. And this is the wisdom that we experience because it's in that experimentation, it's in that experience, it's going after, you know, taking that next step, that next step is then getting that clarity and understanding that um that that we will that we will get the answer that we are looking for, and that's when we develop more of our capabilities because we're like, wow, I didn't even know I was capable of that. And that's when we find those inner riches within us, you know, those those things that we didn't even know that we were capable of, and all of a sudden now we we have another arrow in our bow, so to speak. And so, and so what did I gain from understanding that about the jinkies or in the life's work is that it was never about what we do. We ask that question first, and yet it is not the first question that should be the most important, because the first question should be, who are you? And I don't even think that that would be an easy answer either, but at least it would sound like you really cared about that person. It's like, who are you? What are your dreams? What what would you like to see in the world? What are you here to experience? What you know, like you can go into those really deep conversations, get intimate with somebody, because it was that realization that I realized it was never about what I did. I've had many different uh had many different careers in my life. I've started in accounting, went into project management, uh, worked for a construction company, was amazing, went into personal development. Uh, you know, there have been so many um, you know, parts of my life that that contribute to who I am as a person, and so I realized it was who we are. You know, when we bring who we are to what we do, then it really doesn't matter because we are you know we are living that purpose, that higher, higher purpose. Um when we know who we are and we put that we channel that energy into our family, into our work, into our community, into all aspects of our life, and that's you know, that's when you have those conversations that are just rich with uh getting to know people on that real intimate level. And I watched this Instagram reel today, and I'm really sorry. I really tried to find out who this woman was. Uh, and and if I tell you the story and you know who I'm talking about, I'd love you to uh let me know because I will would love to credit this woman with this with this story. But she was talking about uh she'd been getting these nudges to to be an author, to author a book, and it was a couple of years of of not listening to this. And she told this story about you know, um, if an apple tree grows but doesn't bear fruit, it is still an apple tree. We don't lose, um, you know, just because we haven't had opportunities in our life to be powerful doesn't mean that we are not powerful. And uh she was saying that the whispers were saying to her that she is an author, even though she hasn't written a book, and should she die prior to writing her book, she would be known in heaven as the author who never wrote a book. As it was designed to do, it sent a shiver down my body because I was like, How many times do we have these inklings? And I'm sure I'm not the only one, that we have these inklings or these intuitive hits to go and do something, and we don't do it because what is the question? The question is, who am I to say that? Who am I to uh to do this? You know, and I'd like to just share that you know, we have lived a life, we have experienced life. There are certain experiments that we have um transcended or gained wisdom from just by virtue of walking that path, and it is so unique to us that nobody else could possibly have that same perspective, that same experience, because even twins uh will experience life in a different way because there is a perspective that each of us owns for ourselves, and and we live in this world of AI, you know, we can find out knowledge at the drop of a at the drop of a hat. We just have to ask a question, and an answer is produced. And so, what does the world need? The world does it need more knowledge, or you know, um, we're we're always going to go into that journey, and so people's wisdom, creativity, initiative, invention are going to be the fundamental requirements for being a human in this world, and so where is that going to come from? It's going to come from developing those inner mechanisms, those inner, that inner wisdom, that inner gift of listening to our intuition, tuning into the resourcefulness that we innately have within us, and trusting it, and having that certainty in our role as a human being in this world at this time, and it will be completely different. Like each of us has that uniqueness about us, and it's about going on that journey to find it out. Because you know, what I have realized is that there are so many gurus and people out there telling us, well, this is the right way, this is the only way, this is the way that you should be doing it, and this can be very stifling because you know, on some level, sometimes these things will resonate with us and we'll go towards them, but in that you know, inherently there may be a gap in some capacity because there might just be that place where it doesn't align and then it doesn't resonate, and then the full circle or the full experience hasn't played out because we've dropped it or it it didn't light its fire for us. And the only way that that is really going to happen for us is for us to tune in to our capabilities, our resourcefulness, our own gifts. And if we don't know what those are, it's about undergoing that journey to to go into the unknown and stretch ourselves to go into that uncomfortable zone, and and that is when we find out more of our capabilities because that is where the manifestation happens. The manifestation of our of our dreams or manifestations of the things that we want to put into the world only come from us going into the unknown to go into that place of uncertainty, but having certainty that we will figure out the answer. So it's like there's constantly those oxymorons or those um dichotomies or those um dualities, dualities of like you know, we're going into the uncertainty of life, but having certainty in our ability to figure it out. Like that takes that takes some experimentation, it takes some willingness to go into the unknown, takes willingness and openness to to put ourselves into that place where we know we're gonna be uncomfortable, but it's having that light shining back at us, going, you're gonna figure this out, and if you need to borrow that certainty from me, please do because I know that a lady once said to me, you know, I believe in you, and if you need to, if if if that's what you need right now before you believe in yourself, then I I offer that, and so I offer that to you too. Is that sometimes we don't believe in ourselves, and sometimes we don't have that certainty, and sometimes you know that the world is a fearful place, and yet if we can know without a shadow of a doubt, and again, this may take some experimentation, just start small. I always say start small, like build your confidence, and I I can confidently say that this is a reality, it becomes a reality because I've tested and measured so many times in my life, you know, so much trial and error, so many, so many experiments that I can say without a shadow of a doubt that when you go into the unknown, you go into that uncertainty, when you know that there's great change, that the answer will always be there. There will always be a win-win-win. But it it takes courage, openness, and willingness for us to just undergo the journey. That's all we have to do. We just have to be willing to take that next step and to follow the breadcrumbs, literally. Um, and I make it sound so easy, and really it is. Um, but I'm not gonna say it's not gonna be uncomfortable because it sure, it sure is. And as well-versed as I am in the process, uh, I still get uncomfortable and I still get the self-doubt and I still get the fear, uh, it but it's checked in these days, is that you can I like I notice it for what it is, and it's like, okay, right, well, we just we just need to take the next step here and trust the process. Because why why is this important? Why why is this important? It's important because when we want to put ourselves out into the world, when we want to show up as the full version of ourselves, we want to show up as that authentic version, and like that word authenticity is so overused and so misused and so um you know so judged. And I'd like to, you know, address that because I have my own views on the word authentic, and I I I would even go so far as to say that none of us is like 100% authentic. And the reason I say that is because we don't know all of our capabilities, we don't know exactly the full capability of our power. Like we we are unfolding, we are um you know, starting to get more understanding of who we are, and we are starting to remember our power, and we're starting to trust more, and all of the things, but you know, there is we are we have so much more potential within us that we are totally unaware of, and I think that's that's an exciting journey, so we can use us our authentic selves to the full measure of what we know at this moment, and knowing that we will uncover more as we progress in this journey. However, why is it judged and why is it misused? Is that I don't believe that we need to like air every single thing about our lives. I um I believe that we need to be integrous with what we say. I don't believe that we should say anything that is incorrect or untrue or false. Uh, that is inauthentic, but it's also out of integrity as well. Um so really it comes down to being integrous with our word. We say what we mean, and we mean what we say. Uh and you know, as far as truth goes, uh you know, we we operate at our highest truth at that time, with the best that we know at the time. And um, and then you know, people will say, I don't believe that people should overshare. And I would go so far as to say, who who are you speaking to? Because that's where you know the people who we are speaking to and the context of what we're speaking about and what it is that we're sharing has to have context, has to have perspectives. So, you know, what might be over-sharing to one person might be like that was such gold, I needed to hear that to another person. So we need to understand who we are speaking to so that we know if that is an appropriate conversation to have or not. And so, you know, why do I say that? Is that this is where we need to think about what are we sharing, what is the context, and who are we sharing it to, and is that story appropriate for all of those, um, for all of those boxes? Because the right story to the right person is perfect, but the wrong story to the right person that's that's going to land badly and it's going to turn people away. So when we are sharing, I think it's always good to be out of the pain when we're sharing the story. Why is that? Because when we share the story from pain, we are only going to be delivering the pain of that moment. And I I've heard plenty of those, like you know, those moments where you're like, oh my god, this is never going to work out, this is painful, this is terrible, all of the things. And I believe that the grief process is a very, very necessary step. It's it's in fact, it's 100% required for the transformation. So whenever you're feeling like this is so bad and this is never gonna work out, it's like just honor that that phase, like honor the the grief, honor honor the the I cannot do this, this is so hard, blah blah blah. Like just honor that space of inadequacy, like that's the point that you're in, the hopelessness of the situations, like honor it. That's a phase, and it's a necessary phase. So when you go through that, you honor that, you allow that grief process, then that's when you you actually produce the conditions for the insight for the clarity to occur. All right, so honor, honor um each of those, but you don't necessarily need to share that place with everyone else, it's it's not necessary. Um, in in saying that, I'm not judging you if you do, like just whatever, you gotta you gotta do what you gotta do, that's fine. Um, but there's so much more transformation, so much more wisdom, and so much more experience to share when you are on the other side, and it's like, okay, cool. Now I can understand from a different perspective. I've got the clarity, I can see it, and then there's this transformational wisdom that then you share with others. It's like, okay, there was a deep hole there, this was not good. I didn't really like being there, but I I honored it, it was great, and this is the thing that I have to share. So it's like, and and I think that's the wisdom that I'm here to share is that no matter how hard things feel in the moment, I can tell you how many dark nights of the soul I've had, is that there is always that light at the end of the tunnel that says, you know, this is a phase. This is a phase, it's a dark phase. This is not the great phase, this is the messy phase, this is not the great one. However, I also know that there's going to be a clarity and there's going to be this enlightened version, and that's that's the wisdom, that's the experience to share. So, why is all of this important? This is important in terms of what is this authentic voice of ours, what is our self-expression, and and and what how do we want to voice that into the world? Because you see, the thing is is that when we are hiding parts of ourselves, when we don't feel like we're good enough, we actually or we start comparing ourselves to other people, that's where we lose our magnetism, and that's when we start, you know, putting those filters on or trying to say exactly the right word and not saying um and getting everything perfect. And the problem is when we're trying so hard to come from that place, we're coming from our brain, from our mind, and it's not coming from our heart, it's not pouring out from within us in that authentic place. So when I speak about authentic, I'm talking about like that deed place, that place from your toes where you're so grounded in what you're saying that it's unmistakable. It's not like you know, I always think it's like being so grounded that if somebody was to like push you or like say that's not true or whatever, you're not going to get upset, like it's not gonna trigger you. Why? Because you were so grounded in that, it's coming from this deep place within you that you know it's your own truth, and if it's not the truth of somebody else, that's okay. Like it's okay. They knock off and then they go and they move on to somebody else, and that is where we want to get to. You want to get to that place where you're bringing the right people in to your space because you are that magnet of truth that is then expressing from that heart, from that space that is so authentically you, and that's the difference. That's the difference, is when you're speaking from that place, it is so grounded, so true, so magnetic that you bring those people to you, and the ones who are not meant to hear it, they they bounce or they they come out, they come in, they may say even their words of how can you even be so silly or whatever. But because you know, you know, I do see people get upset, and and I have been that person, you know, people have said some pretty crazy things on my page sometimes, and and it's here's the thing it's people that I know who have disagreed with me. It's it hasn't even necessarily been um people I don't know, it's it's actually been people who have known me as a certain person, and then you know, you come out and you say something, and um, I remember a particular friend of mine who uh totally disagreed with what I said about something, and um we we took it offline, it it was done fairly respectfully and at at the start, but then when I didn't do what he wanted me to, he he he got a little bit crazy, but that's that's okay. I mean it's all in the past, but um you these are the lessons that I learned because what I learned was that we were so um at opposite uh opposing ends of the spectrum, like we were just never ever going to agree, and we still wouldn't because our ideologies are so different. Um and and you know that's where our unique uh perspective on life comes in. Like I've had a life that has led me to uh these particular the way that I see life, and um he's had his own perspective on how he views life, and so those those perspectives come from completely different sides, and um while I can respect his his views and and that's okay, um I I can't actually agree with him, and so therefore it's like okay, well, we need to just agree to disagree because I'll never see it the way that you do, and and that's okay. I'm I'm I'm satisfied with that. He's he's not satisfied with that, but that's okay. Um so why did I say that? It's like we have to be so this is where the level of authenticity comes from. It's that level of of who being so set in who we are, and and I don't mean set in our ways, like we have to also acknowledge that there's a certain flexibility and openness and willingness to see other people's views. Like I could understand where he came from. It's okay, um, I I respect his um I respect his views, uh, but I'm not going to go into that conversation with him again, uh, nor am I going to agree with him. So, you know, we we have to be discerning about like being flexible enough to, you know, change our minds about certain things. I mean, I I've just had to do that this year with a huge project that we were involved with, and um, I was advocating very much for one way, um, but through the process it became very clear that this was not going to work for the greater good. Uh, and so I had to keep keep my options open and be flexible because um there was an answer available to us that I hadn't uh previously realized, and and remaining open allowed me to follow the breadcrumbs and. Come to an outcome that was better than we could have imagined. It wasn't necessarily the easiest route, but you know, it's the best one. And I think you know that that's that's what we need to just realize is that there's right and then there's wrong. Uh, and the right and wrong will always lead to friction. However, when we come to that place of openness, willingness, flexibility, you know, adaptability, um, we can usually find these win-win-wins. And I'm all about that. Like when I go in for a solution about something, I want everyone to win. It's not like I win, you, uh you lose, or you win, I lose. It's not uh because I don't believe that that's the answer. It's got to be a win-win-win, and when it's a win-win-win, then everyone that's those that's that's the better than expected. So um as I digress, I digress because we're really talking about you know, what do we do, and you know, that authentic voice and um being who are we, and you know, who are we, and how do we express that in what we do? Because as I said at the start, I could never express who I was back when I was that design manager in construction because I was always a little bit weird, I never fitted into the box, and I gotta tell you, I felt inadequate. You know, I felt inadequate because I just wasn't that person, and yet when I came around to the jean keys, I was like, I I understand now, I could go back into construction now, I could be that design manager because I know who I am and I know that the gifts that I bring, and yes, of course, there's going to be inadequacy because you know there are certain people who just know more than I do, but it's not about that, it's about knowing that when we commit to a journey and undergo something, we will have the resources to figure it out, and that's what I found. That is what I have found with life. There has not been one thing that I have committed to that I actually know what I'm doing, and it is through the process that I figured it out, and so it's been a it's it's been a long life of figuring stuff out. So yes, yes. Do I feel like I can speak into that? Yes. Um, because with that comes with uh lots and lots of mistakes, and and um and those I used to feel those used to be my my badges that made me feel inadequate. It was the mistakes that made me feel inadequate. I used to just be so filled with shame about the mistakes that I had made, and yet now I realize that those mistakes, my gosh, they built me, they made me into who I am now. My goodness. And that fills me with immense pride because I realize that that is a life that has been well lived. It's like I gave it a shot, I put my courageous foot forward and I, you know, messed up a couple of times, well, more than a couple of times, and I will continue to mess up. And um, and I think having that growth mindset to know that maybe I don't know it yet, but I will, I will figure it out. And I I share this with you because this is our capability. It's like if you want to know the fundamental concept behind probably all of the work that I do is having that growth mindset. It's like I might not know how to do it yet, but I will figure it out, and if I can just impart that one lesson, it's about that. It's like I might not know, but just because getting back to the analogy of the tree, it's like just because the apple tree hasn't borne fruit yet doesn't mean it's not an apple tree, and so it's like what fruit are we here to bear? And um and are we courageous enough to go on that journey to start producing the fruit, even if it doesn't, you know, make the full apple right away. Because you know, like I know this tree that we planted, and it took a number of years for us to uh get the flowers on it, and then these this first year it was just like these little patches of flowers, and then the next year is a few more patches, and then the years after, and then it it gets its full foliage of of color. And so I think you know, when we're wanting to embark on this journey, you know, this journey to be iconic, which is the full version of who we are into the world, we have to understand that that that tree is bearing patches of of fruit and expanding, expanding as we progress, and it's being okay with the little patches to start with. So today I'll finish with also watching uh Djokovic, a little uh interview with him, and he was saying that he was taught at an early age to listen to classical music while he was journaling. And I I offer this to you today. It's like have a journal, think about have a journal, pen, play some classical music, anything that resonates with you, and ponder that question. Like, who am I? Who am I? And what would I do if I saw myself as you know, like powerful or wise or a great leader, rather than what I do as like you know, this fixed job title, so to speak. It's like what would I do if I knew my full power or I stepped into it, if I thought of myself as a courageous human, you know, like and my favorite two words, because you know, journaling can be like this really super amazing thing, and it can also be this place where people get blocked because it's like, what am I gonna write? Well, you know what? You can start with your name, and these two words are the ones that I love. It's like I don't know what I'm writing. Okay, so can you be open and willing to know what you're writing, or can you be open and willing to start? Open and willing. I don't know the answer. Okay, can you be open and willing to allow the space for the answer to come to you? Because it will 100% for sure it will, as long as you're open and willing to say, and you're like, I don't know if I'm open and willing. Are you open and willing to just figure it out? Like just to find out if it's a thing, open and willing, and uh you know that that one word gratitude is like being grateful for the answer before it even arrives. It's like thank you for thank you for the answers ahead of time, and just being in that certainty, being in that knowledge. I know that it's on its way. So with that. I um hope that's given you some food for thought uh in terms of the rethink. And my encouragement is to find out a different question to ask somebody when you first meet them, other than what do you do? It's like find out something really crazy about them, like just shock them, not shock them, but you know, uh surprise people with a question that kind of goes, Oh wow, I've never been asked that before. Oh, well that what a great question. Oh, that's so amazing, you know, because that's how we really connect with people is finding out things that nobody else knows because nobody has ever asked them that question. So today, find a question and then find out something about somebody you didn't know. And the first person can be as close as like your immediate family, like your mom, dad, your your husband, wife, your children. It's like actually find out something you never knew just because you asked that one question. So, as always, I love you, and um if you have any stories that you would love to share, I love hearing them. Uh, please feel free to message me and uh let us let us know. And um yeah, that can be the inspiration for other people. So have a wonderful day, and I'll talk to you soon. Bye.